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Tookster
Running a few racks at a time
Joined: 05 Aug 2007
Posts: 260
Location: Sydney, Australia
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 Posted: 21 October 2008, 13:03 Post subject: Jokes |
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Jokes only understood in Scotland
A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says:
'Can you come and get me? I think ma water has bro ken '
'Okay,' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing from?
'Fae my knickers tae ma feet. '
A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
'Comfy?'asks the dentist.
'Govan,' she replies.
What did the male Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography..?
Oor Wullie.
A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the set of antlers?'
'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke behind the counter'
'That's affa dear,' says the guy.
'Aye yer right!' replies the bloke
Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?
He's awa' noo.
After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt.
'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress,'
Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq ?
Coo eight.
Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement.
Which one's a Musketeer?
The dark tan yin.
A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box. So he calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice:
'Is there money in the box?
'Naw, it's just me,' he replies.
While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband:
'Do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?'
And he says: 'Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo.'
What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy?
Hawkeye The Noo.
What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
A skean dhu.
How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just Juan.
'What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer?
The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off of my cloud.'
And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe.
'What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect?
A wee fly b*****d.
Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the toilets at Waverley Station?
It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.
Why was the Chinese restaurant so bad?
Because the chef was Lou Ping.
While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:
'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?' 'I'd put him off at
The next stop,' he says. 'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't
Get the fare?' 'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.
Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative - 'Aye right.'
A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car!
'What's up Jimmy?' he asks.
'Piston broke,' he replies..
'Aye, same as masel...
_________________
UPM forever
I'm only here for the banter.
PS Geez yer bike! |
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andy
Running a few racks at a time
Joined: 08 Aug 2007
Posts: 244
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| Posted: 21 October 2008, 20:07 Post subject: |
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love it guv  |
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csu
Running a rack, now and then
Joined: 26 Aug 2008
Posts: 175
Location: Scotland
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| Posted: 21 October 2008, 20:20 Post subject: Re: Jokes |
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| Tookster wrote: | Jokes only understood in Scotland
A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says:
'Can you come and get me? I think ma water has bro ken '
'Okay,' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing from?
'Fae my knickers tae ma feet. '
A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
'Comfy?'asks the dentist.
'Govan,' she replies.
What did the male Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography..?
Oor Wullie.
A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the set of antlers?'
'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke behind the counter'
'That's affa dear,' says the guy.
'Aye yer right!' replies the bloke
Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?
He's awa' noo.
After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt.
'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress,'
Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq ?
Coo eight.
Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement.
Which one's a Musketeer?
The dark tan yin.
A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box. So he calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice:
'Is there money in the box?
'Naw, it's just me,' he replies.
While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband:
'Do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?'
And he says: 'Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo.'
What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy?
Hawkeye The Noo.
What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
A skean dhu.
How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just Juan.
'What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer?
The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off of my cloud.'
And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe.
'What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect?
A wee fly b*****d.
Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the toilets at Waverley Station?
It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.
Why was the Chinese restaurant so bad?
Because the chef was Lou Ping.
While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:
'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?' 'I'd put him off at
The next stop,' he says. 'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't
Get the fare?' 'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.
Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative - 'Aye right.'
A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car!
'What's up Jimmy?' he asks.
'Piston broke,' he replies..
'Aye, same as masel... |
Aussie foreplay ... brace yer self sheila !!!
Why do Aussie men get married... Sheep cant cook !!!!
2 sheep tied to a lamp post in Sydney ... Leisure centre
Knew u went ova there for a reason Tookster !!!!...Ewe R a Bahhhhad man lol
_________________
Yer im fat , ur wife keeps making me sandwiches when i visit her.....
www.dieselmap.co.uk , www.webluv.co.uk , www.csugroup.com
Last edited by csu on 22 October 2008, 17:15; edited 1 time in total |
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Tookster
Running a few racks at a time
Joined: 05 Aug 2007
Posts: 260
Location: Sydney, Australia
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| Posted: 22 October 2008, 05:15 Post subject: |
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Yer getting mixed up with NZ
_________________
UPM forever
I'm only here for the banter.
PS Geez yer bike! |
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skiffygrrl
Can make 1 or 2 balls
Joined: 13 Oct 2008
Posts: 4
Location: California
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| Posted: 22 October 2008, 06:44 Post subject: |
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Pish.
I got about half of those, and I certainly don't live in Scotland  |
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juan
Can make 1 or 2 balls
Joined: 14 Jun 2009
Posts: 7
Location: homeless
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| Posted: 16 June 2009, 20:36 Post subject: |
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what wobbles when it flies?
a jellycopter!!!! |
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juan
Can make 1 or 2 balls
Joined: 14 Jun 2009
Posts: 7
Location: homeless
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| Posted: 22 June 2009, 23:33 Post subject: |
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what's french, 500ft high and wobbles??
the trifle tower!!!
_________________
R U NAKED??? |
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juan
Can make 1 or 2 balls
Joined: 14 Jun 2009
Posts: 7
Location: homeless
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| Posted: 23 June 2009, 20:01 Post subject: |
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why did the farmer look out his window???
because he couldn't see through his walls!!!
_________________
R U NAKED??? |
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rhino
Runs to the 3 or 4 ball
Joined: 14 Apr 2008
Posts: 11
Location: Midlothian
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| Posted: 8 July 2009, 10:20 Post subject: |
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GOT THIS OFF SPA SITE,,,
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.
She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.
'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior.
'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can, you know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed.
'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!
''Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished.
'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -- 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dog leg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.
It's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted drawing back to the centre of the fairway...and then it hits a bird in mid-flight!'
'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate!
But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'But then this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball, and runs off into the rough!'
'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself, anyway I'm 275 from the pin in the rough and out of sheer frustration, I decide to hit a three wood, well Arnold palmer hinmself could not have smote the ball a mightier blow and is soared towards the pin as if it had eyes!'
But while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky grabs the ball in mid air and flies off, with my ball still clutched in its talons!'
'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished,
'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, I prayed and prayed to the lord and the hawk was carried in a great wind until it was back over the green, the hawk dropped the ball right there on the green, and the ball rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
'You never missed the f-----g putt?'
_________________
if yer happy and you know it clap yer fekin hands |
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Tookster
Running a few racks at a time
Joined: 05 Aug 2007
Posts: 260
Location: Sydney, Australia
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| Posted: 8 July 2009, 11:57 Post subject: |
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I'm sure I heard that one the first time snow was declared cold! 
Seriously though here's one...
We have a guy in NSW who goes by the nickname 'pink panther', and he's a knob as well! 
Sorry Andy, couldn't resist! 
_________________
UPM forever
I'm only here for the banter.
PS Geez yer bike! |
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trueblue
Can make 1 or 2 balls
Joined: 12 Aug 2007
Posts: 4
Location: a boozer near u
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| Posted: 22 July 2009, 19:40 Post subject: |
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An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a
> > series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily
> > systems extremely upset. Upon making several
> > false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the
> > latest episode was another and stayed put.
> > He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhoea and was
> > embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
> >
> > In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of
> > bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them
> > out the hospital window.
> >
> > A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets
> > landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and
> > swinging his arms violently trying to get the
> > unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled
> > sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
> >
> > As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet,
> > staring down at the sheets, a hospital security
> > guard (barely containing his laughter) who had
> > watched the whole incident walked up and asked,
> > "What the heck is going on here?"
> >
> > The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I
> > just beat the poo out of a ghost" |
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Tookster
Running a few racks at a time
Joined: 05 Aug 2007
Posts: 260
Location: Sydney, Australia
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| Posted: 31 July 2009, 14:56 Post subject: |
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An Irishman was cleaning his rifle and pulled the trigger, accidentally shooting his wife.
He called 999...
Paddy: It's my wife - I accidentally shot her, i killed her!
Operator: please calm down sir, can you first make sure she is actually dead...
CLICK, BANG!
Paddy: OK, done that. What next?
_________________
UPM forever
I'm only here for the banter.
PS Geez yer bike! |
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Tookster
Running a few racks at a time
Joined: 05 Aug 2007
Posts: 260
Location: Sydney, Australia
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| Posted: 25 September 2009, 13:38 Post subject: |
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Proof that Men Have Better Friends...
Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends.
None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
_________________
UPM forever
I'm only here for the banter.
PS Geez yer bike! |
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| Back to top |
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csu
Running a rack, now and then
Joined: 26 Aug 2008
Posts: 175
Location: Scotland
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| Posted: 20 November 2009, 14:01 Post subject: Re: Jokes |
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| Tookster wrote: | Jokes only understood in Scotland
A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says:
'Can you come and get me? I think ma water has bro ken '
'Okay,' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing from?
'Fae my knickers tae ma feet. '
A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
'Comfy?'asks the dentist.
'Govan,' she replies.
What did the male Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography..?
Oor Wullie.
A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the set of antlers?'
'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke behind the counter'
'That's affa dear,' says the guy.
'Aye yer right!' replies the bloke
Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?
He's awa' noo.
After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt.
'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress,'
Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq ?
Coo eight.
Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement.
Which one's a Musketeer?
The dark tan yin.
A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box. So he calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice:
'Is there money in the box?
'Naw, it's just me,' he replies.
While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband:
'Do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?'
And he says: 'Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo.'
What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy?
Hawkeye The Noo.
What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
A skean dhu.
How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just Juan.
'What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer?
The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off of my cloud.'
And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe.
'What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect?
A wee fly b*****d.
Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the toilets at Waverley Station?
It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.
Why was the Chinese restaurant so bad?
Because the chef was Lou Ping.
While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:
'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?' 'I'd put him off at
The next stop,' he says. 'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't
Get the fare?' 'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.
Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative - 'Aye right.'
A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car!
'What's up Jimmy?' he asks.
'Piston broke,' he replies..
'Aye, same as masel... |
President Obama and Gordon Brown are shown a time machine which can
see 100 years into the future.
They both decide to test it by asking a question each.
President Obama goes first:
"What will the USA be like in 100 years time"
The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a
printout, he reads it out:
"The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is
non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There
are no worries"
Gordon Brown thinks "It's not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit
of that" so he asks:
"What will Britain be like in 100 years time?"
The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a
printout.
But he just stares at it.
"Come on Gordon" says Obama, "Tell us what it says"
**"I can't! It's all in Arabic!"**
_________________
Yer im fat , ur wife keeps making me sandwiches when i visit her.....
www.dieselmap.co.uk , www.webluv.co.uk , www.csugroup.com |
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